Tests and meds

So! This morning I had to go for blood tests and an ECG. So uncomfortable getting your kit off for some old lady to put jelly stickers and wires on your chest. These were required as a sort of “MOT”, to make sure I can take my new meds without any problems. I need to go pick them up actually. Anti-psychotics, used to stabilize my mood. On the subject of my mood, its up and down, and spinning all around today. I’ve had some seriously sad thoughts, and some happy ones. I’m not sure whats going on to be honest. Its probably a combination of bad news, and the fact that I miss a boy.

This is the problem with bpd, intense but short lived relationships. Oh boy did I fall for him. I wanted him so bad, and we had so much fun together. I hated when he had to go home, or go to uni. I hated it so much, what if he didn’t come back? Abandonment issues. Things were rocky, but we had so many good times. Then one day he went home, and I freaked out. He wasn’t coming back, I messaged him, but I shouldn’t have. I was upset. I acted in the only way I knew how. I cut my arm to shreds. I explained to him that I have these problems, and although he was a bit thrown off, he said he still wanted to see me. Then he didn’t. Another one bites the dust. Since then I’ve tried everything I could to get him back, but hes gone. Lost to me, pushed far far away from my emotional outbursts and begging of his attention. Last night I messaged him for the last time. To say goodbye. Then deleted his facebook, and unfollowed his twitter. I’m heartbroken. I feel so deeply for him, even though it was so short lived. I don’t want to feel this again.

I wrote him a letter, he’s never going to read it, even though I wish to the gods he would. Wish to the gods he would message me back. Tell me he wants me. Its to late for that, and I really do blame my bpd for fucking up yet another chance for me to be/find happiness. 

 

EDIT: Yeah I only just found out I have BPD, but for a long time my actions and emotions have put people off me, caused problems with friends and romantic partners. At least now I know what it is that makes me act the way I do.

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