me: *chugs 5 litres of water and shoves an entire kale up my ass*
me: AM I NEUROTYPICAL YET
I hate my medication. I’ve been on them a few weeks now, and I cannot stand what is happening to me. I’ve had to stop taking my meds for restless leg syndrome because they interact, the result? MY LEGS FUCKING HURT. Seriously. Constant pain, unbearable urge to keep moving them, horrible twitches and spasm. I can’t sleep because of it. I’m up till 4-5am, only managing to sleep if I pass out. I’m not getting up until the afternoon as a result. My days are blurring into one another. I almost fell asleep driving home from my parents house yesterday!
My appetite? Holy shit, it is beyond insane. It’s not just “oh I fancy eating this”, its “If I don’t eat I’m going to rip someones face off with my bare hands!” I swear to Lord Vader if I get any fatter I will kill myself. I’m disgusting enough as it is. I don’t need the added stress of feeling shit about my weight. I’ve only just recently started to accept myself again after losing 2 stone. I was doing so well, and now this insane need for food. I can’t cope. I’m always eating, it’s disgusting. Nothing satisfies my hunger, or my thirst.
My mood swings do however seem to be settling a little, but it’s more like its taken me back to how I was before the meds. Still having 5 minute moods, and mostly feeling empty and worthless. I’m dissociating a hell of a lot too. My anger is bad. I feel like exploding with rage quite often, and it’s hard to keep it in. Last night some woman thought she was funny in the pub, trying to take the piss out of me being “emo” (Bitch I’m the furthest from “emo” you could possibly imagine). Just because I’m not smiling, and drinking a soft drink not alcohol, you thought you could try be funny, and try embarrass me in front of company? I am SO PROUD I managed to keep cool, and not hit her in the fucking face. Though I probably should have.
My impulsive behavior with money has left me up shits creek this month. I get so confused with numbers and what money I need to keep in my bank. I’ve been impulsively buying things, spending on alcohol and food. I’m not gonna have enough money to pay my bills which all go out at the beginning of January. I’m terrified of checking my balance and it being in minus figures. I don’t have an overdraft either, so the bank is gonna add fees. Money can’t buy you happiness eh? Well I’m sorry but financial stability would make me a lot happier, I wouldn’t be so goddamn stressed if I dissociate and end up with £50 worth of shit I don’t need. I can’t always help myself. It’s like I have no control over myself. I hate it.
I’m struggling so much right now. Where’s a sexy older sugar daddy when you need one?!