All or nothing

I’m so tired of trying.

I’ve stopped taking my meds. I’m fed up of them. I couldn’t stop eating. If I didn’t eat I was so angry, so full of rage. I lost my temper at the smallest thing, even to the point of punching a cash machine because I didn’t have any money. I felt physical pain if I didn’t stuff food down my throat. Not just that. I was thirsty, nothing satisfied the thirst. I felt like a vampire or something. Thing is, after eating, I’d be so sick, I wanted to curl up and die, the guilt was so horrible. I’m absolutely terrified of gaining weight, so in response to all of this I’ve been making myself throw up.

My mood swings have been all over the place, being so angry all the time, fluctuating with severe emptiness. I’ve wanted so badly to end it. Just go jump off a bridge, or drive my car into a wall. Honestly I’ve wanted to die so much. I just couldn’t take it, and then it all got to much the other night. Hysterically crying and screaming into my pillows. Punching the walls, and hitting myself in the head. I wanted it to stop. It had to stop!

The pain isn’t just mental, it’s physical. This pain like a punch in your chest. Feeling so sick to the stomach. Insomnia on top, it was just so overwhelming. The need to escape was so so strong. That’s when I decided, I wasn’t going to take my meds. I haven’t taken them for a couple of days, and I already feel better. I’m not hungry, I’m still angry, but its coming and going in less severe swings. I’m not acting out on it as much as I was. It’s there in the background. Though its controllable. There’s stuff setting me off, but I’m managing to keep it to myself. I feel happier, if that’s even possible. I think its happy. It comes and goes in waves. I’m more content. I don’t want to slice my skin open, or cry. I just want to chill.

I don’t like these “helplines” you should call. I have panic attacks talking to family members on the phone, let alone some random person. So my mom phoned my local mental health unit for me to get some advice. They told me not to stop the pills, but lower the dosage. Why the hell would I do that, when without them I feel so much better? Apparently I need to be on meds for my own good. If that’s the case, they either give me something else, or they give me appetite suppressants with them, and they give me my meds for my restless legs back. I don’t care if they interact. I cannot go on with my restless legs. It’s making my insomnia worse, I’m in so much pain with my legs, and the overwhelming need to keep moving is unbearable. Not to mention the constant twitching and spasms!

I’m seeing a doctor in a couple of days. See what happens. Wish me luck!

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