Triggered

A trigger in psychology is a stimulus such as a smell, sound, or sight that triggers feelings of trauma.

 

Everything. So many bloody things are triggering me. Being triggered doesn’t mean I fall into a pit of despair, a crying lump on the floor, but sometimes I do want to. It’s mostly triggering fits of rage. Moments of pure anger that want me to throw my phone against the wall, or punch a hole in the door. The smallest things that I used to be able to roll my eyes to, are now hitting me in such a way, that my blood boils, or tears come to my eyes. I can no longer be a part of the conversation.

Stupid posts on facebook, like someone might post an anti feminist meme, or an article about that fucking idiot who’s running America. Comments made on those posts even. One post today about some actress who got slammed for using the words “baby hair” to describe her baby hairs… that one pissed me off. It was just because shes white, apparently white women don’t have baby hairs… well tell that to mine. See I’m getting upset just telling you this. No I’m not racist. I just genuinely believe that this cultural appropriation thing has gotten out of control, everyone is offended, you can’t even breathe without offending someone these days. I’ve probably offended at least 200 people just by saying that.

These posts about the women’s march, they should make me happy, and proud. Instead I’m angry, because they’re all aimed at how white feminism is somehow invalid because it doesn’t include minorities. I’m sorry, but my fucking feminism does. You are lumping people like me in with racists and homophobes. We stand for each and every woman, no matter their skin colour, or whats in their pants. If you identify as a woman, I am with you. Especially when it comes to equal rights. But of course I’m a white cis woman, you don’t believe that I actually do include EVERY woman, so I “need to be told some truths”.

I’m so fed up of this bullshit. It’s all this stuff that I used to be passionate about, that I used to make art about, things that made me want to change the world, is now making me hate the world. Everything has become too much. It has all become triggering. I’m feeling so exhausted by it. I can barely cope on facebook for 30 seconds without wanting to cry, or scream. I can’t stand the news being on. I can’t even talk about these things because it’s just to much.

I want to lay in bed and forget the world. Ignore the world. It’s the only way I  can cope right now. I’m an emotional wreck, and I’m genuinely scared of when the next thing is going to trigger me. I’m afraid to look at the TV, my news feed, magazines and news papers. I’m scared of life.

P.S. I’m scared that some asshole is going to comment on this trying to tell me I’m racist or something.

 

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One thought on “Triggered

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