Waste

Hello darkness, my old friend
I’ve come to talk with you again

I feel like I’m wasting away. Every day is spent wishing it was another. Alongside my bpd, I have depression, restless leg syndrome, chronic fatigue syndrome, migraines, fibromyalgia, and periods so severe that I cannot have one (I won’t go into detail). I’ve just been officially diagnosed with IBS too, while also being tested for a few other things, including coeliac disease. One goddamn thing after the other.

I’m on medication to stop my periods, and medication for my restless legs. If you read my last posts you’d know my meds were taken off me to try get a clean slate. The insomnia from my restless legs proved to much, and I’ve been put back on meds for it. I may have to up my dose though, as they aren’t working as well as they used to. I partially blame this on lack of anti-depressants.

Everyday I am in agony, my legs and arms pulse with a dull muscle pain. My back screams when I move, and my neck is stiffer than a dick on viarga. My head pounds all through the day. Every footstep is like walking on broken glass. I am uncomfortable, I wince when I move. Just typing this out is sending shocks of pain throughout my body. The fatigue is terrible, I cannot function more than a couple of hours without needing to lie down. Among other symptoms.

In the words of Dumbledore:

“Of course it is happening inside your head, Harry, but why on earth should that mean that it is not real?”

So many people seem to think that CFS and even Fibro are not real illness’, that its all made up, the “yuppie” disease. Well I’m here to tell you, if you think that, then fuck off. It’s very much real. I’ve been told that the pain is because the nerves/pain receptors in my body perceive pain and stimulation differently than the “healthy” persons. Basically tricking my brain into thinking that there is pain, when there isn’t, thus causing pain. Whether you believe it’s real or not is irrelevant, because I damn well feel it. Every goddamn day.

Anti-depressants are commonly used to help treat CFS and Fibro’. So anti-d’s were actually helping me it seems. Now that the drugs are all out of my system, the symptoms of my various illnesses have come at me tenfold. I’m literally a waste of life right now. Unable to function. Barely able to even play the sims without being drained physically and mentally. I’m a big pile of useless.

OH. On top of all that, I now have to try change my diet to help my IBS, here’s hoping the coeliac test is negative!

I hate my body.

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