Is this my life now?

What were you doing in my dream last night, honey
Well I thought I locked that door up tight, baby
Well it’s a mystery to me how you keep on slipping in my mind
And it’s downright dirty that this old wound won’t heal with time

 

Valentines day. What a vile excuse of a holiday. Surely if you love someone, you show them everyday? Well unfortunately for me, I’m alone again. Boo fucking hoo right? I wish I could be strong, but alas, here I am feeling miserable. Probably doesn’t help that HE messaged me today. Nothing important, has messaged me a few times over the last couple of weeks. I think any other day, it would be fine, but as I’m writing this, I’m having a conversation with him, and now I’m all sad. I should just cut him off, but I know I would feel so guilty for doing it. I shouldn’t, but hey that’s just how my head works. I don’t know why he’s been messaging me.

Saw my GP, he wouldn’t give me any meds… at all. That put me right down. I ended up spending the entire day in bed crying, feeling like nobody wants to help me. So I made my mom phone the psych doc for me, he’s on holiday for 2 weeks. Great. She spoke to someone else, and they told me to go pick up some meds today, so I did. When I got them I discovered that they are ones that cause weight gain. Fuck off. You put me on one med that made me fatter than I already was, and now this? But nobody is willing to help me with weight loss? I’ve been trying to slim down for 3 fucking years! So I guess this is my life now. Fat, single, unlovable. Destined to be sad and pathetic for the rest of my life. A squished tin, who’s lid doesn’t fit right.

I lie to people and say I’m doing better, but I’m not. I’m just trying to be strong, and no show weakness I guess. Thing is I think about killing myself everyday.

Days like this I wonder if having someone would help. I’d have someone to talk to, someone to cuddle when I’m sad. Someone to stay alive for. We’d snuggle under a blanket and play video games, and watch psychological thrillers. Small things see. Its small things like that, that could make the difference. I’m going to be alone forever though. It’s hard enough to date without having a personality disorder that so many people think makes you “crazy”.

Or as HE put it. To intense.

I did get to go see a housing association group about a house today. I’m not the only person on their list. I doubt I’ll actually get the house, but i suppose it’s a step. I’ll be in their system now, so I may at some point get somewhere to live. Who knows, that may help. I think it would. I’d at least be able to sleep my sadness away without being disturbed by noisy family members.

Happy Valentines day guys.

 

 

 

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