For the best

The more powerful one in the relationship is the one less afraid of being single. –Lauren Martin

Things are going well. Maybe I should be concerned. It seems when things are going right, something always comes to make it wrong again. All I can think of, that could ruin my happiness now, is someone else. I’ve been considering my past relationships, flings, one night stands. The people I’ve loved, and could have loved. The ones I cared for too much, and the ones I didn’t care for enough. I’ve come to the decision that I am better off being alone.

I don’t want to be. I really don’t. I want to fall in love again. I want somebody to share my life with. Somebody who makes me happy, and enhances my life. Someone that I can be there for. It seems though, that no matter what I do, I always end up back to square one. Alone. Having BPD, I’m not exactly a “chill girl”, I’m not the perfect girlfriend, I’m flawed. I’m erratic, dramatic, jealous and clingy. I want all of your attention, and I’ll do anything I can to get it. I’m paranoid, and have trust issues. I need reassurance. That’s to much for anyone to have to deal with. Nobody should have to deal with that in a healthy relationship. I’m manipulative, and guilt trip people. I don’t mean to. I really don’t. Problem is, that’s abusive. Nobody should have to be in an abusive relationship. I know, I’ve been in one myself.

Even though I can be that way, there is a part of me that when I love someone, I love them with every fiber of my body. I do silly little things to put smiles on their faces. I actively take part in things that I have no interest in, because they have interest in it. I want to fill their life with joy. I want to be there for them, through thick and thin. That side of me, will give you the world. The goddamn universe.

I wish someone could love me, and really truly understand that there is a darkness within me. (I’ve been binge watching Dexter) My dark passenger is my BPD. It’s my inability to believe that anyone could really, honestly, want me. Physically, mentally. It’s not fair to ask that of anyone. I feel so guilty for my actions. I feel guilty for latching onto somebody. When I feel that connection, I’d do anything to keep them in my life. Even if they don’t want me, or if they’re bad for me. I’m damaged. I’m broken. I do deserve to be loved, but maybe its for the best that I’m not.

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