I spoke to soon

TRIGGER WARNING

Yesterday all my troubles seemed so far away.
Now it looks as though they’re here to stay.
Oh, I believe in yesterday.

 

I’m sat here in the dark, smoking a cigarette. It’s like some scene from a noir film, or some washed up author typing away at some new story that”s gonna bring him back into the spotlight. It’s pathetic. A shit day, cancelled plans, and an impulsive adventure that didn’t end how I wanted it to. I’ll sit here in the dark, sad songs playing, wishing my life was different.

All I wanted was my flat, I thought things would get better. They kinda did, but now the novelty has worn off. I wanted some space for myself, which I have now, and that’s great, but my god I’m lonely. I thought I’d see friends more, but here I am alone. So terribly, painfully aware that I am not any ones favorite person. I have friends, I have people who love me, so why am I so lonely?

A noose is looking sweet right now. I’m dreaming of that rope around my neck more and more. All I want to do is drink, drown myself in alcohol, and stumble home to that noose. Maybe I’ll slash my wrist again, and feel better. Doubtful, but it’s always worth a try. Anything to take this sadness, this loneliness, this hollow feeling away.

One year waiting list for me to get therapy. I’ll be dead by then.

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