Oh dear

‘Cause I don’t know where I should go
Darling
I am borderline
Thought things would change, but I’m deranged
It’s just another Saturday night
Come watch me drown and get what’s left at the lost and found

I made a boo boo. Big time. A&E must hate me, the amount of times I end up there. They weren’t very nice to me either. I know though, to them I’m just an idiot who drank to much. The girl with scars all over her arm. If I’m not there for alcohol, I’m there for slashing myself up. Waking up at 5am Sunday morning in a hospital bed is fucking scary. Especially when the last thing you remember is sitting at your desk chatting to your bestie on facebook at 6pm. I do remember some bits now, but not much.

Why did I drink so much? Well if you’re a reader of my blog, I fucking told you that it would be someone else that made things bad right? That’s not entirely true. It’s not THEM per say, its… my reaction to them. Have you ever wanted someone so badly before? Like they make your world so much brighter. They make you want to be a better person, to be happy, to succeed? You know very well who I’m talking about. He comes up in my posts so very often. He’s intoxicating, mysterious, complicated, and damaged. He’s interesting, funny, and a complete and total asshole. In his own words, he’s bad for me, he’s a bag of dicks, I deserve better. Maybe I do, but I don’t want “better”.

The last time I saw him was a week ago. He came and met me at the bar where we first met. We were up until 4am, talking and drinking. I was in some kind of bubble of happy. He told me not to cut my arms anymore, and all desire to do so has left me. It’s small things like that, which make me want him more. I know why we aren’t together though. I totally understand, and I see why, and what the issues are. I just can’t seem to live with it. Bad timing, bad places. All of it, fucking sucks. I just want him to be happy, but I want to be part of the reason he is. For now, I can’t be, and I may never have him. I just wish I knew how to accept it.

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