12 steps my ass

I’ll hold your hand while they drag the river
I’ll cuddle you in the undertow
I’ll keep my hand on your trigger finger
I’ll take you down where the train tracks go

Let’s wile away the hours
Let’s spend an evil night together

It’s official. I have an alcohol dependency. That’s just a nice way of calling me an alcoholic. I’m getting a key worker, and attending meetings. Not AA, fuck that godly 12 step bullshit. I drink like a fish, and don’t plan on stopping any time soon. Why? Because I don’t fucking want to. Lacking empathy at these meetings doesn’t help. People share their horror stories of addiction, and I sit there wishing I had whatever vice they’re moaning about. Speed? Cocaine? A simple drink? I’ll take the lot. Anything to numb the pain of living in this world. Not even listening to Frank Sinatra helps. Though I do love his voice.

Start spreading the news… I’m not ready to give it up. I won’t pay for drugs, I guess that’s a good step? Who knows, if it’s there I’m taking it. Maybe my mother will read that and feel a stab of pain in her chest. Her little girl, catastrophically in love with the things that hurt her most. Sorry mom, but nothing else takes it all away. I’m in constant existential crisis. I’m living in a YA romance novel, but instead of vampires and werewolves, I’m surrounded by Sociopaths, and complicated relationship statuses. I’ve traveled each and every highway, and this is the one I’ve chosen.

I’ve loved, I’ve laughed and cried.
I’ve had my fill; my share of losing.
And now, as tears subside,
I find it all so amusing.

I’ll keep on, keeping on. Life is bizarre. But you know what? I’m gonna live it MY WAY.

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