Rock and roll… and compost

I met a cute boy, he liked my smile
We fell in love for a little while
He kissed me on the lips and it tasted sweet
So I chopped him into pieces and cooked his meat

So I’ve kinda been seeing someone. No labels or anything. It’s nice, we cuddle a lot and it’s so bloody lovely. I’m so happy when I’m with him, we have a lot of fun together, mostly watching movies and having a giggle. I’d forgotten what it was like to be treated so nicely. I mean, he strokes my hair and I’m on cloud 9. As amazing as that sounds, I’m still terrified he’s going to get bored of me. Find out what I’m really like and run a mile. I’m trying so fucking hard not to be clingy, and obsessive. I want all of his attention, but obviously I can’t have that, and it’s so fucking hard.

Having Borderline in a relationship… or whatever it is I have right now, is so difficult. There is this selfish, obsessive, jealous side to me that I don’t want him to know. I want this to be healthy, and trying to contain myself is proving difficult. He hasn’t seen my rage out yet, that scares me. I don’t want to rage at him. He gives me no reason to, he’s so fucking amazing to me. I raged at HIM the other week, over messenger. That was weird. I was in a pub with a mate, and he pissed me off, so I raged. I ended up getting absolutely wasted. My friend walked me to my “fella’s” house, because I could barely stand. I’ve been living the rock and roll lifestyle. Going out lots, getting drunk, being stupid.

It’s impulsive. That is something that is going to be the ruin of me. Impulsive behavior. Especially spending money. You know what I did yesterday? I had an idea for an art project, went to the Range to buy wire, came out of there with a bag of compost, 5 plant pots and some seeds. I don’t even have a garden!!! I’m so skint at the moment, that buying stupid shit like that is leaving my bank overdrawn, and putting more pressure on my pockets. I saw a psych’ doc the other day, asked him about it, ya want to know what he said? “Nothing we can do about it” and “You’ll get better when your older” and many more things along the lines of “I can’t be bothered to help you”. I had never seen him before. He MIXED me up with another patient, wrote MY notes in HER file. Didn’t even know what he was seeing me about, and as soon as I said “BORDERLINE” He turned into a cunt. Put me in a right sour mood, I raged at my own mother, and felt like crying all day.



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