“I don’t believe in magic”
the young boy said,
The old man smiled
“You will, when you see her.”
I wish I could make my mind and my heart slow down. I’m so fed up of feeling everything so deeply, so intensely. Slow down, take your time. Stop rushing things. Don’t force it. Why can’t I just be chill? Let the feelings sit for a while, and enjoy it. I am so paranoid of failure that in some stupid attempt to stop it, i will end up sabotaging and ruining it! It’s exhausting feeling this way. When I fall for someone, I fall hard, and fast. I wish I didn’t. I wish I could just enjoy it. Yet here I am, the butterflies have moved from my stomach to my chest, I’m floating on cloud 9, and soon I’m gonna come crashing down. I just “know” it. Curse my bpd for making me think and feel this way.
I wish I was normal. I’m so far from it. Borderline personality disorder is actually ruining my life. Well that’s how I see it. It’s all black and white. I’m either happy, or my world is ending. There is no in between. I can’t just feel “a little sad” or “a bit excited,” it’s all or nothing. Same with relationships. I hate that about me. I’m trying so goddamn hard not to fuck this up. Hiding under my blanket crying because I can’t contain my emotions. Absolutely terrified of the day he gets bored of me. The day he says he can’t see a future with me. It’s way to early to think like that, nobody should think like that anyway! But I do. After my history of relationships and situationships, it’s understandable that I am freaking the fuck out.
He’s the reason I’m smiling again, and I want to thank him for being in my life. When I first met him, I had no idea that he would be so important to me. He has become my favorite person. He’s there for me, and takes care of me. I’m not used to being treated so well. I’m used to being used, abused, tortured, ignored, rejected. It’s awful isn’t it, that for once it’s almost healthy, and that scares me. Being BPD, I will never be normal. I will always have that voice in the back of my head telling me that any second its going to snap and become all doom and gloom. I hope not though. I think hes good for me, and I hope I’m good for him. I feel mature, which being BPD is kinda revolutionary! I’m not stuck at the emotional level of a teenager. For the first time I actually feel like maybe I am an adult. I don’t feel 17 anymore. The last 10 years have been a blur, but I’ve finally caught up, and next month I will be 27. A grown ass woman who knows what she wants. When I am happy, I am incredibly happy, and I have been for the past few weeks. Wrapped up in this bubble wrap made of cuddles and terrible horror movies. (FYI… terrible horror movies are fucking brilliant) That’s it, that’s what I want. Fuck the soppy romantic fairy tale, knight in shining armor, Disney true loves! Life isn’t a fucking movie.
Slow down. Stop the clock, rewind. Don’t waste time, don’t force time. Let it move at its own pace. Float on that cloud 9 for a little longer. Stop pushing, and maybe for once, things will be OK.