Passing Time

I hurt myself today
To see if I still feel
I focus on the pain
The only thing that’s real
The needle tears a hole
The old familiar sting
Try to kill it all away
But I remember everything

 

“You are loved” I hear it over and over. So why don’t I believe it? People say they care about me. So why don’t I trust them? I very deeply feel that I am just passing time, and people are using me to pass time. Always waiting for something better to come along, and I am only temporary. I am an option, not a need, not a desire. I’m convenient for them, until I’m not, and then they fade away. Soon everyone I care about, everyone I love will be gone.

To die would be less painful.

The smallest change in your body language, the tone of your voice, that way you look at me, the way you only contact me when you want something, or nobody else is available. All that bullshit sends me into a rage, a wormhole of self loathing, then I hate you. I want to tell you how you make me feel. That I’m not a priority, that I’m just waiting for the day you say you can’t be bothered with me anymore, you don’t care about me anymore. How do you tell someone that they are your world, but they’re also the cause of your pain? That’s the problem with BPD. I want to be loved so badly, but when someone shows me they care, I don’t trust them, they’re lying, any minute now this is all going to end, and I’m going to crying on the floor at 3am… fuck 3pm.

I need to stop falling into a puddle on the living room floor, breaking my heart because I feel so unloved. How do I become someones world, when they are mine?

I want to fall into a coma, and wake up when I can get a personality implant. To not be me would be wonderful. No wonder everyone leaves. Nobody can tolerate me. How do you think I feel? I can’t just “erase the toxic people from my life” because I am that toxic person. My mind is slowly poisoning itself, and soon my insides will turn black, and rot away, starting with my heart. Sometimes it hurts to breathe, because my heart is always breaking.

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