Unwelcome

Such a lonely day
And it’s mine
The most loneliest day of my life
Such a lonely day
Should be banned
It’s day that I can’t stand
I quite often feel like I’m not welcome. Nobody wants me around, and when I am, they just “put up” with me being there. I’ve been feeling this badly the last couple of weeks. There has been a few things that have happened to make me feel this way. The thing that makes it all worse is that I feel it in my own flat. Small things in my flat are stressing me out.
On top of that, is my neighbour.
Since I moved in, the old man upstairs has been making some weird noises, and now it’s gotten to the point where it’s causing severe anxiety. Every little noise I hear sets me off. I freaked out this morning, when I heard the recycling being taken away. Seems a bit silly really doesn’t it? It’s not the level of noise, but the actual sounds. Banging, and this dragging sound, it’s like a heavy chest of drawers being pushed along a wooden floor. This sound is kinda triggering. When I was 16, we were being made homeless, so we got to live in this tiny house for a while. I couldn’t stay in one particular room in that house, I had vivid hallucinations (at the time I swore it was a ghost) in there of a white figure dragging a wooden box across the floor, then using it to stand on to hang themselves. I had mostly forgotten about this until recently, when the noise upstairs persisted.
Being in constant anxiety in my own flat is hell. I don’t feel welcome anywhere, like I don’t belong anywhere. I’ve been having severe panic attacks, especially the last couple of days. Today, I packed up a bag, and was going to run away. Anything, to get away from all this. The fact that I feel more comfortable sat in my car in the car park, kinda says it all. My desire to escape the flat has made me use it as some sort of storage area for my things, and a place to sleep (well I would sleep, but the noise goes on during the early hours and wakes me up). I don’t spend much time here, I will find any excuse to leave. As a result, the place is a mess, and that’s caused more stress on top.
Today has been a particularly bad day. I’m tired, my head hurts, I want to leave, but have nowhere to go. I had a horrible panic attack last night. Left the flat, came back to feed Loona, then didn’t come back until 7am. As soon as I got in, it all started over again, and I cried myself to sleep. Woke up, and the whole cycle started again.
I can hear the banging as I write this, and all I want to do is scream.
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